Abusive Relationshps

I am a survivor of a abusive relationship, I was in the relationship for 2.5 years. I now have a great husband who is AMAZING! He's supportive and kind. It took forever to trust him though.

I decided to do this "Rant" because well.... I'm still suffering from the abuse. :( I'm still very badly injured. I know there are a few out there who have gone through this. I wanted to just share my story with you.

So it goes like this.... I met a guy I thought was my dream guy. He had beautiful blue eyes, he seemed perfect. I fell hard for him! HE was my first love. I still remember how scared I was to meet him, I was driving through a drive through at Starbucks lol and I was asking him when he'd be down here. I told him to meet me at my favorite place and my Mom tagged along with me for support. First man I met off the internet. When I walked into that mall, by my friends work I saw him leaning against the wall and he was so perfect! I fell in love right then and there. I don't remember much about how it truly began, but he seemed perfect because I remember bits and pieces of it. He lived on our land for a bit in a RV. I spent a lot of time with him. (Before he moved onto our land in the RV I remember watching Ferris Buellers Day off in his Fathers truck it was perfect) I remember there was some baby ducks that the wild momma left (He said it's because I messed with the eggs. First sign of being controlling and mean) but I didn't see it. All I saw was that he took in the ducks, hatched them and saved every single one of them :) that's all I saw, I ignored the bad.  He spent a lot of time working nights to get his first place. Finally moved out and a lot of drama happened with he RV staying on the land ugh I don't remember much about that but I do remember I lived with him fast. I saw the controlling abuse, but I never really "Saw" it if you know what I mean... Most will know.

The first sign was when I didn't want to go to Yellowstone with him. I wasn't a big fan of long distance traveling (I had never done it furthest I gone before that I remembered was from Oregon to Washington) it was A LOT to ask me to go all the way to Yellowstone when I was so young. :( I couldn't do it. I just literally couldn't do it! I wanted to, but physically couldn't because I suffer from anxiety and my anxiety gets bad! When I told him No, he crumpled up paper and threw it at my feet aggressively. His eyes changed his body posture changed. :( I did leave him then, but I wasn't ready to go back to my parents. So I tried again.

A lot of things happened in Bend, Oregon at that Apartment and Townhouse. I don't remember half of it, but it wasn't as bad as when I moved to Washington with him. I remember a lot of heartache on both sides. :( I was young and stupid. Left him every month (Around that time of the month) because he did something I didn't like. He was abusive mentally. I couldn't take it and that's when I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet and leave but I always came back. (Isn't that the vicious cycle? you want to believe things can get better so you go back and leave and come back.) He eventually lost his job and we spent a month lounging around and then decided to move to Washington. Before that I did take a big trip, I went to Jacksonhole Wyoming to go snowmobiling and I was controlled in the whole trip. I was treated like trash and laughed at because I've never driven a snowmobile let alone one that my knees went up to my chin. We eventually moved to Washington where  We lived with his parents for a bit in the RV and then he got enough money to get an apartment again.

When we moved to Washington that's when it got real. I was warned from family and friends that he just wanted to get me away from Family and friends to control me more. But me being me, in love with him I went any ways and ignored everyones warning. Even those who have been through it, looking back I should've listened to them. :(

Things were okay in the beginning, we set up the place for the horses (Though he never listened to me about it even though I was experienced at fixing and setting up fences) cleaned it out and I wanted to get a tractor in there to dig a trench for the water to drain so they didn't stand in the mud, but he didn't listen. :( ugh.... He decided to use this tape electric fence and had it Solar Power (In Washington I warned him it would short out in the water with little sun but again he didn't listen) I tried to help as much as I could but it was never good enough (Another sign I should've seen) I finally got my horses up and that's when everything changed.

I wasn't able to feed my horses, I couldn't take care of my own horses. I couldn't do ANYTHING! I was told what I could and couldn't do. I was very, very controlled. (I spent from 07/08 going through this) I listened to it. Did what I was told, and I know I shouldn't have. But I had no choice I was hundreds of miles away and stuck with this family. I had none of my friends or family with me and I had two horses to look after. It was bad and only got worse from there :(

It started with controlling where I worked and what I did. I felt like I was able to be free a bit, but any money I made went to him and I couldn't spend it. I begged my folks for money for my horses. I used to hide that money so I could buy things my horses needed like blankets, shots and shoes. He never seemed to care, he just wanted my money when I worked. But he always controlled me so much that I always lost the jobs somehow or another. :( another sign I ignored.

He would put me down constantly about my driving, though I was better and smarter then him. There was multiple times he should've listened to me... One time we were going over a pass in the snow and he put it into Four wheel drive after I begged him to (He was going 50 on the MTN pass with a lot of snow and Ice) when he did that we hit a patch of dry concrete that threw us in a 360 then made us go backwards into the snow bank and it had to of been the side that the snowbank was low and that it was a break in the guard rail on top of the pass with a sign inches from my side, luckily we survived. Another time he was going 80 in a snow storm in Yellowstone I begged him to slow down but he didn't care he kept driving crazy. Another time he was trailering my horse because he thought I wasn't good enough to trailer my own horses with his fathers truck. He forgot about a light on the freeway and slammed the breaks going from 85 to 0 within seconds. My horse slammed himself into the trailer and fractured his hip. I was SO ANGRY I couldn't see straight. The last time he was bringing my Fathers toy hauler back to the house because he said "You're a girl, you can't drive Chevys or trucks at all" (I had a lifted F350 stick shift) he didn't even get fifty feet from his own house before he threw that toy hauler in the ditch and flipped us for a split second. Took out mailboxes and damaged the toy hauler so badly that it was a few thousand to fix. Guess who DROVE that toy hauler to the place to fix it? ME! I drove this toy hauler with a messed up tire that kept pulling it. I drove my ford with it and I did better then him with a beat up toy hauler ugh lol he still didn't say I was good enough. Even the LONG trip to North Dakota I couldn't tag in on driving with his family because I was a "Girl" and they were all Sexist!

I did leave him, I came back to Oregon with a horse and I tried to make it work with just that one horse but I couldn't leave my other horse there :( Within the month I was gone (Over October 2007) he got another girl... He rubbed it in my face by saying things like,

"She cooked me dinner, Made my bed, Kept he bathroom clean It made me cry" That devastated me. He told me ALL about it. Her sleeping in his bed, her using his shower and how amazing it was to shower with her. Blah blah blah.... I eventually went back. I had to get my other horse.

It wasn't till 2008 that things got worse!

January I got my wisdom teeth extracted. Anyone who has had ALL four bone impacted wisdom teeth extracted knows the pain... I had all four extracted plus a scar on my tongue taken off. Two stiches in my tongue, Four in the bottom and Four in the top. I was doped up and in pain :( I was relying on HIM to take care of me. He just kept me doped up on Vicodin and didn't care. (I got two dry sockets on my bottom sockets and a infection in the top) I would take the Vicodin and fall asleep for a few hours, then wake up. Ugh. Every time I'd wake up and come to, I'd look over at the bathroom and I'd think of that chick in our bathroom. I'd think of that chick in our bed. I would silently cry in the bed alone. Messed up from the drugs and in major pain. I lost 6 lbs in 4 days. I was literally dying. His mother came to the door to get me some Gatorade and said I looked so bad. It wasn't till 5 days later I could open my mouth enough to eat. By the time I was able to eat, and drink he wanted me to work again. So of course I listened and went back to work. Delivery driver. I was still spitting blood from the sockets. He promised me they would let me off two days early and that I'd only work 4 days. But no they had me work the whole 7 days, but I got sicker. While I was sick in bed and dying he was at home away from me (FOR HOURS AT A TIME) laughing at me calling me weak, saying I'm he weakest woman he ever knew. (His sister told me this) when I told him that all I could think of was that chick in our bed and shower when I was down, he would tell me "Get over it" I listened because when I left him in Bend, I dated another guy and told him some things... But I turned to him again after that x put a gun on me. HE NEVER LET ME FORGET IT! I did that in 2006 and this all happened a year later. BUT.... Something that happened a month before my big surgery I was told to "get over it" but he couldn't get over something that happened a year ago that wasn't even as bad as what he did to me. (Another sign I should've seen. I started to slowly pick up on it)

Feb/March/April I'm not sure what month it was could've been May to I'm not sure, we went to North Dakota and because I suffered severe anxiety I was left at the hotel while they hunted. :( It was a bad trip, I was about ready to call my parents and Beg for them to give me a plane ticket home. But I wasn't sure how to do it, I was stranded on this thousands of acres land, alone in the bedroom. Only MRE's to eat and a bottle of water. Nothing else to do but draw and I had no cell service so I couldn't even call home if I wanted to :( I was stuck. I remember being in the truck going fast down these red dirt roads that had red mud cake on the car tires that made them act like being on a pure sheet of ICE. I'm scared of heights and speed when I'm not driving and we were fishtailing everywhere with big 20/30 foot hills on either side. (Maybe not that bad but enough to roll the truck over if we went off it)  They all laughed at me. Calling me weak, calling me names. Ugh. Left me at the lodge (Hotel) he promised he'd be back and I waited and waited and waited and when 9 came around I knew he wasn't coming back till the trip was over. That night he picked up a sod off .22 gun and (I don't know if he knew I was unloaded or not) pulled the trigger. It made that same "CLICK" noise the gun my other x put to my temple made and he said with a grin and a slight laugh in his voice, "Remember this sound? Huh Honey? REMEMBER IT" that sent me back. My Anxiety was still super high from that event. I don't know why he did that or what he was trying to prove. But it wasn't cool. We finally started to go home and I got word that his Sister and mother had moved my horses into another part of the field that they'd stand in mud up to there knees almost. I didn't want them in there and I complained badly (Which wasn't good because I was in BIG TROUBLE for that, after that I couldn't even work with my horses, it was like they took control over them!) I was so happy to be back and out of that hellish trip. The 600+ Miles of no stop for potty breaks, no food or anything and when we were able to stop it was a 4 minute stop. We drove through the night and day

The same months he stared to get physically abusive.... Started with a kick to my shin. I was playing with him and he knew I hated having my back touched when his hands are cold, but he did it anyways. So I wanted to "return" the favor lol I thought it was playful banter. (My husband now would find it playful and we do it all the time) I lifted his shirt and he gave me three warnings and then turned around and KICKED my shin hard! I swear he cracked my shin. Looking back he did. I never got xrays but at the time I ddn't think of anything and I didn't want to have to do a report. He forced me to take care of a turkey and I had to pick a big turkey up and move her. I couldn't even put weight on my leg. It was so painful I was literally tearing up from the pain and the fact that I was so MAD at myself that I couldn't do what I was supposed to do (Typical abused feelings. You get mad at yourself for not being able to stand up and do what your asked and please your partner, even though it's a physical impossibility) his sister asked me what's wrong and what happened. I didn't want anyone to know, so I said I'm fine. I dressed my wound and kept a eye on it. It took a month for it to finally start to heal. For a good month before it started to heal it was all black and blue. Huge knot the size of a dollar coin. (To this day my shin still hurts bad at times)

Then it moved from that time to a kick in the back (Kidneys) because well I beat him at a game. Luckily for me this time he was barefoot but it still made me grab it in pain. I was told this is how he treats people he loves. I knew it was wrong, but I let it go. It wasn't a bad injury like my shin. So I just let it go like a idiot.

The next time (I think) was when he tackled me over the couch and bent me backwards on it. My head was where you sit, My spine on the top of the couch and my heels in the floor. I lost all feeling to my legs and arms even head was losing feeling. I was stuck I couldn't move. I thought I was paralyzed :( Luckily I wasn't. The first attempt he did was grabbing my right arm and JERKING me HARD to the right. That DESTROYED my core. Ripped it to shreds. :( I still feel the tares in it. The second attempt he did to get me out of that bent position was he grabbed both arms and JERKED me up in a quick motion which gave me whiplash in my neck (Because I couldn't feel anything I had no muscle to use while he jerked me up) I tried to toughen it out, ignoring the pain. I went a month before I went and saw the doctor. I was in such severe pain I thought I was having appendicitis or gall stones. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Bad I couldn't move, I couldn't breath, I couldn't lay down or anything. When I went in she did a simple test. Proved that I ripped my core and I destroyed it front side and back. she asked me what happened and I told her. She told me it was it was abuse and I needed to press charges. I couldn't do that (I didn't want my horses in danger) I begged her to not say anything... She told me that if I come back I'd have to press charges.

The next thing I never went into the hospital. I was brushing my horse and my x shot a gun and it spooked my horse. He bolted, and threw me ten feet. I landed backwards with my elbows into my ribs. I cracked a few. But I wasn't mad, it was my mistake for thinking that my horse was bomb proof. Wasn't even mad at my hose. My horse felt so bad. lol It was cute he came back to me and put his head in my arms and I held onto him and he picked me up. I was hurting for a good while.

After that he did this thing where he asked me to come over to him. He was kneeling, he asked me to hug him. So I did. I didn't trust him, so I had my palms on his chest, which eventually turned into my arms up and down on my body as he bear hugged me. . My husband now explained to me how it hurt me so much. As he kept hugging me, I couldn't breath. As I exhaled I struggled to take a breath but I couldn't. As that happened his biceps tightened up on me, getting tighter and tighter on my ribs. It was a good minute it happened. When he let go I took a deep breath and my sternum and ribs popped. He heard it and asked what happened. I said nothing it's just a few ribs. I was in pain for the next month again. I didn't go into the doctors because  knew this warranted a record and I couldn't risk my horses. SO I stayed away from the hospital. The next week I spent in severe pain, questioning if I was having a heart attack or not. While I cleaned the stalls, picked the paddocks and everything else. Four flakes on my right arm walking through mud to the horses. I used to when I cleaned the stall I'd pretend I was texting people JUST So I could take a break and not show pain. HE HATED when I showed any pain. I wasn't able to wrap it, I wasn't able to do anything to set it. He told me I never injured myself because I didn't have the X-rays to prove it. SO it must not be true. He called me weak lol because he thought that hug wasn't hard. (When it feels like he's trying to suffocate me by strangling me with a hug that's pretty bad. He even grinded his teeth as he hugged me. My husband said he squashed me. I'm pretty ashamed that it was that easy to hurt me, but then again.... I had gone through some traumatic events in my life prier and I got my wisdom teeth taken out lost massive amounts of weight then got an infection twice then got ran over by the horse and fractured my ribs and then tackled over the couch. The hug was the straw that broke the camels back so to say. )

In June (A month before I left him) we went to Yellowstone finally. I still had the injuries fresh on my body. I still couldn't breath deeply from my ribs, my core was still healing (Still has tares through it to this day that you can feel) I was healing up from a broken foot that I accidentally caused myself (I had lost feeling in my leg and I didn't realize it and I went to put weight on my foot and my foot didn't work right haha we all know how that goes. lol I stepped on the side it gave out and I heard a huge SNAP! lol and then a jello like feeling. Which I've always been told is a broken bone feeling. I quickly put my lace up boot on because I knew that it would swell up and soon enough I couldn't put a boot on at all and it didn't take long.) I never got crutches, never got anything to set it, I just kept my shoes tight and hobbled and tried to not put to much weight on it when I drove my truck which was impossible because well.. lol I had a stick shift and ugh the foot I broke was my break and clutch foot. Every time I put that clutch in or break in, I felt the bones shift. It wasn't fun but it was a cool feeling because most the time the pain was weak. I was late on my tetanus shot so I did get a tetanus shot the day we left for Yellowstone which I get fevers with and I get a big knot in my arm and I can't move my arm at all for a good three days (I just recently got another one and yea... Same thing, I couldn't move my arm it locks up my whole muscle in my arm and it's pretty painful. I'm happy to say this last time was much better then that one time) I also had the shin issue that was still bothering me. So not only was I hurting with my Ribs, Core, Collarbone, Shoulder but my Foot and back and everything else was hurting. So here I am sitting in this truck cramped up while he had ALL the room he could use and stretch. He wanted to get at least 300 miles away before we rested it was hell. My sleeping consisted of and I'm not even joking (Sense we had our cats in the back or his junk and my junk in the back I couldn't sleep back there) I held onto the "Oh shit handle" (Most will know what that means haha) with my bad arm that I could barely move :( and I rested my head on my arm while he stretched out and slept in my lap. I don't know how many times I woke up that night or few hours with such a bad kink in my neck and a fever that I couldn't even move. Ugh... FINALLY WE made it there and ALL I wanted to do was go sleep. Understandable right? NOT in his eyes. He wanted to go see the sights. HE FELT great, but me I didn't.

That night I asked him to massage my arm because I couldn't move it to well (Though I tried to not favor it) when he started to massage it he said and I quote,

"Is it bad that I enjoy causing you pain?" While he said this he was PRESSING right where I got the shot causing shocks of pain to go through my arm to my fingers, all the way up to my head. OMG IT HURT! After he said that I looked at him like WTF and I pushed him away (Keep in mind he poked that shoulder a few times before he asked that and he took joy in watching me cringe in pain) and said,

"YES, YES actually it is VERY BAD that you Like that"

(Heres a photo of me in Yellowstone. Don't I look happy)

The next day wasn't much better. We walked, walked and walked. Miles! Around the Yellowstone area. I used excuses for taking photos to catch my breath and rest. I was also wearing my thermals and I was severely overheating. (He seemed a bit concerned then though when I was overheating) It wasn't till the last day that I injured myself again. I got such HORRIBLE blisters on my feet and once again I listened to him like a idiot and he actually bought me some "Blister" band-aids that did NOTHING! They were the size of a silver dollar. Right at the bottom of my big toe and I was getting blisters in the back from rubbing. lol I walked a full day with that stupid Band-Aid on and all of a sudden I took a step felt a rip and felt my boot fill up. Yep, that's right y'all... The blister ripped open. So I walked a while on that with dirty socks that were gross, and eventually got back to the truck. I took out his first aid kit he kept in the truck and I picked up that leg in the truck. Pulled the band aid off and the blister ripped open badly exposing red flesh under it. It hurt pretty badly. I took out a straight razor and did the only thing I could think of to do... I cut the rest of the skin off. IT took a good five slices in it before I could cut all the ripped skin off. IT WAS DEEP! I asked him if there was anything better then "Non sting Neosporin

" he told me nope there wasn't. So I put a bit on and he goes, "I promise you it wont sting" FAMOUS LAST WORDS! I was just going to lightly coat it right? I put it on the top of the blister on my normal skin and my foot was so hot and inflamed it melted the junk so quickly and it just caked all over the blister. It didn't take long for my x to get the camera out and laugh at me while recording my severe pain. It wasn't just a pain that stayed in one area, nope nope nope! IT TRAVELED! Up my leg, THROUGH my foot, In my toes. It was like I just shoved my foot all the way to the middle of my shin in molten lava. OR FIRE! All he did was laugh at me and call me weak. He told me I was weak because I couldn't even put my boot back on (Hello, it is a slip on boot and the first part of my foot to slip in is.... YOU guessed it, that blister. Oh Joyus) I looked at him and said,

"Didn't you get blisters from walking those hundreds of miles in New York?" He smiled his coy smile and said,

"Yes, but I was strong enough to put my shoes back on and go walk you weakling" I looked at him with this pure hatred! Laughed at myself and thought well dang if he's strong enough to do this then I can to. I then asked him the main question,

"How long was it from the time you took off your shoe till you put it back on Sean?" He looked at me while I still was rubbing my foot and trying to fix the pain. He chuckled and said,

"I took my shoes off at night and put them back on the next morning" (ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME! HE'S CALLING ME WEAK BECAUSE I CAN'T PUT A BOOT ON WITH A FRESH WOUND! BUT HE HAD ALL NIGHT TO REST AND HEAL? WTH!!!) I looked at him and said,

"You had ALL NIGHT to heal, This is still a fresh RAW injury" He didn't seem to care. He seemed to think I should have been strong enough to just throw my boot back on and walk on it. Even though it was pulsing and hurting badly and stinging when ANYTHING touched it. I remember we got Dairy Queen and I was silently tearing up because I was MAD at myself for being so darn weak and I was mad at my body for being so darn weak. I just wanted to go home. He told me we had one more place to go and I asked him if I could get crutches so I could go with him.... He told me he wasn't spending the money on that IT was stupid to spend twenty bucks on just that. So I tried to put my boot back on and well......I once again heard that famous SNAP! You guessed it y'all I re broke my foot again. :( At this point my foot swelled up again and I couldn't even put my boot on no matter how HARD I tried to do it. haha. So there I sat, in the truck. Cursing myself. Calling myself weak. HATING myself because I couldn't even hobble the half a mile to go see the last waterfall and take photos. He wouldn't get me crutches and he called me weak. Yep... Needless to say I wasn't crying due to pain... I was crying because I was SO ANGRY with myself. He finally came back and he let me get some Epsom salt with OMG felt amazing. But the sad thing is, when I forced my foot in my boot and I took my first step my foot cracked even more. It wasn't fun. I had to walk funny for a while in order to get my Epsom salt. But it felt so good on my multiple blisters on my feet. Healed them up nicely too.

On the drive back I saw great Rainer cherries, I wanted to get some. It was on the side of the road. He laughed at me and said,

"What you think you're going to get those. Your too weak to go get it. You couldn't even finish the trip. You don't deserve those" Or something like that. Just being really mean! Evil Evil little man.

I don't remember if these threats were made in June, July or the months prier but.... This is how it went down.... When I left him... FOR GOOD!

He was working CONSTANTLY! One day he came home four hours late smelling like a condom and fish. It was GROSS! He had been with his father who enjoys the company of well... You guessed it I wont say it! He refused to take his own truck because it "Wastes to much fuel" so I sat alone, not able to do anything even see my horses waiting for him. The night he came home smelling like another woman he wanted sex and I couldn't deny him because he'd just take it if I did so I lived that way. I denied him once and he took it anyways so I just learned to live with it. I did start to look elsewhere for happiness because the last few months I was so depressed I actually sat on our bed with his rifle in hand fully loaded finger on the trigger and barrel in my mouth. I was READY to end it! I was seeing NO escape. As I closed my eyes to end it things flashed in my head and it wasn't anything other then what would happen to my horses who relied on me. What would happen to my truck I love dearly! I also had a flash of him walking in on me with bullet wound that would've blown my head apart and in my flash of what he would do pissed me off. I could imagine him walking in and laughing at me and walking away cussing because it would've been so messy. So I put the gun down and got dressed. Went to my truck and started to day dream of rodeo and a better life. After that, I started to talk to a ex when I was alone all day. I reminisced in the past and started to laugh. Started to be happy. It was nice :) Then it was slammed down on me again with threats from him.....

The threats consisted of.....

I'm going to poison you!

You break up with me before you leave, You can take your horses but they'll both be dead in the trailer or hell you can drag your stupid horses in the trailer after I shoot both of them.

You break up with me before You leave and I'll kill your family or anyone who comes to get you.

I'll kill your animals.

I'll kill you.

I'm sure there were others but that's pretty much the ones I remember. I do remember telling him I wanted to go back to Bend to say good bye to my ex who was deploying soon. It was just friends nothing more but he got jealous. :( Suppose he had a right to be jealous because I was leaving him and the ex I was saying bye to was a ex that I dated ONE time when I was with my abusive ex lol but my abusive ex and I were broken up at the time.

The day that I decided to leave him for good.........

I was watching a movie, it was over in a half hour. Yea the horses were hungry but it was okay they were fine waiting. It was just a half hour. He came in and told me to turn it of and go outside to feed with him. So I walked outside and I saw him talking to his brother while his brother worked on a boat. I told him I would just go feed so I could come back in and watch the end of the movie. He told me NO and that he would feed with me. So I sat down and waited. Five minutes turned into twenty, Twenty turned into forty five, eventually it was a hour later and I got up and was starting to head out to feed them and he grabbed me. Not aggressively but he grabbed my arm. He picked me up (WHICH I HATE) and when he set me down I lost balance and I almost fell So I grabbed his arm and accidentally twisted it. He got mad. He did something but I don't quite remember what he really did but it made me lose balance again and I grabbed his belt. He then grabbed me by the arm and pulled me hard to the other side of the house where no one could see us. (He never did anything in front of anyone) He grabbed my left arm, straightened it and bend it backwards Putting pressure on my elbow and the pressure and the fact that I knew one of two things would happen I'd dislocate my shoulder, or he'd break my arm. It was steady hard pressure. I gave in and dropped to one knee. Screamed at him and punched him in the kidneys and dropped him on the ground. I then ran out to the horses and called my mom shaken up and said,

"Mom, You need to come and get me Or I'm going to steal his gas card and try to leave. I AM THROUGH with this. COME GET ME THIS WEEKEND Or I will drive as far as I can and then ride my horses the rest of the way" My mom asked what happened, I didn't tell her I just begged her to come get me. After that I apologized to him and tried to make things work so I could make it to the weekend. (If anyone is in this situation they know just how WELL they can act! Especially when family is involved) I told him it's okay, I wasn't leaving him. I was just going to do schooling and I needed my horses with me because it would be a while. Plus I wanted to barrel race. I went and picked up his deer head and I tried to make everything perfect. While secretly packing all the important things. I don't even remember fully how I did it lol but somehow or another I was able to get out of there with both my horses (Had to leave another horse and my two kitties :( that broke my heart) when we were all safe enough away I left him.

When I left him I felt like my life shattered. So many asked me "Why are you hurting over that guy" they didn't fully understand and most don't. Those who never walked this path wouldn't understand how you actually feel like you Deserve to be treated this way. Most wouldn't understand that you can be beaten down and whipped. Or that you can be so broken at some times that it feels like normal life. I mean to me normal life was waiting for him to do something again. Tackling me cracking my collar bone. (I was able to swing it in my head as it's my fault because I should have seen it coming and I didn't fix my arm before he jumped on me aggressively on the bed which caused my collarbone to have a bone spur break off in it) or you know him tackling over the couch, or the strangling he did a few times. The rape. You can always twist it around in your head to make it feel like it's your fault. You knew better, You knew you should have left him/Her but you always go... Well.. Maybe this time it'll be better. MAYBE just MAYBE things wont be so bad. OR my all time favorite, it's a faze it'll pass he's really a good person!

Y'all wanna know what I did to him? (Because honestly still even to this day he said I deserved it for what I did to him, and that it was HIS way of pushing me away. Personally I would've taken a "I don't want to be with you anymore, can you leave" instead of long term injuries. ) I hit him three times... YES I admit that. Two times on purpose, once on accident. First time we were playing around and he sat on me and tickled me lol (When times were good) and I did a natural reaction blah and kneed him in the eye giving him a black eye. The second time it was because he was going to go off a cliff and crash his truck and I hit him in the shoulder to get him to stop. (I hit him across my body lol and it still hurt him) the last time was when I punched him in the kidneys. Yes, I was young and I was stupid and probably broke his heart a lot when I left him and dated another but it wasn't my intention to date him it just kinda happened. I always tried to be the good GF and Fiance.

What he did haha too much to write... lol but honestly... I'm still suffering from his injuries he claims I never had.

It never ended there. I tried to be friends with him and a year later yea he gave me another shot or should I say I gave him another shot but he never changed. Still hugged me and hurt me. Still put me down but hey I got what I left there :) It was worth it. haha.

I had tried over the past years to be his friend, I struggled with the thought of Did I actually hurt myself or did he hurt me. AM I crazy or did I go through all this. IS it all a nightmare or did it really happen. It wasn't till I saw a chiropractor that it was confirmed that my injuries are from a person and another person. He was happy to hear I hadn't been with that guy for a while :) I used to go into the chiro at least three times a week to feel better.

In the end, My ex made me feel like I was crazy. Made me think that I deserved it and that I did it all to myself. I even went on meds to get calmer. While on the medication his last threat didn't affect me. His last threat was,

"I know where you live, where you sleep. I'm going to go at the end of the main road, stop and sniper you off while you sleep. You'll never even know and you'll die" he said that a few times for a threat. Yea... I was scared for a bit till I accepted it and finally wrote him and said "If you're going to do that just get it done and over with, finish what you started. The light is on, the window is wide open. Just make sure that you kill me because if you wound me I'll come look for you. Oh and if you kill me you'll have my family and friends searching too." lol his reply for that was "Your insane I never said that!" But he did. it's sad when sometimes you can' tell what's real or not. I thought for the longest time I was insane simply because when I talked to his sister she told me none of it happened it was al in my head. So he had his whole family in on it. Probably because he threatened them. I don't know.

I do remember a few times feeling cross hairs on my head from my ex's brother. I'd work with my horses and I'd feel a gun on me (If y'all know what it feels like you know how it makes your hair stand on end. You get heightened senses. It's strange) I know it was his brother because my ex walked in on him one time with the gun on me. haha.

I did try to you know be friends one last time a few months back. (I'm pregnant now and in a great relationship with my husband who is very supportive) I wanted closure and I wanted to put the past behind me and be friends. (Why not right?) My ex and I talked normally then he turned... He told me he didn't care about what I was doing, He didn't care about the little one. he didn't care about anything and he regrets being with me the 2.5 years and that I was nothing but a emotional and physical drain on him. That he regrets NOTHING MORE then the fact that he stayed with ME to long. That destroyed me. Couldn't he have you know apologized for the constant pain I'm in? For the nights I spent waking up in sweats? The mental and physical anguish he did to me? Nope, all he said was that I was a physical and mental drain! Typical guy. He's been with his girl now three years and I guess he doesn't hurt her. SO maybe he was telling me the truth when he said I was the only woman he'd ever beat. (Because I deserved it, his words not mine)

I have sense blocked him but I still think of him when ever my rib hurts bad, or my shin hurts. I get flash backs and it hurts pretty bad. But I'm doing good. I can now listen to music I listened to with him. I can enjoy things I enjoyed with him. I can be normal again. My husband has been a huge help for me :)

Oh I wonder, Is there anyone out there who have gone through this? Your guy asks you to marry him about six times, but NEVER with a ring? yea he always asked me to marry him and eventually I got a gumball machine ring to wear, and even bought a mood ring that turned my finger green and made me sick lol the day I wanted him to buy a 200 buck ring he went out and bought himself a 800 buck gun. said he deserved it. I didn't. Even though I reloaded hundreds of bullets for him, and I did so much faced so much went through so much.

I hope this story can help another woman out who's going through this. I met this guy at 18 he was my first love, my first in bed and I left him shy of 21.

Anywhoo... this is pretty much the just of it. Thank you for reading it.

Just remember.... Man or Woman, if you're going through this. Leave before it gets bad, because Physical pain sucks yes and it can last a life time (I myself Have to either have my Rib removed or have it re broken to have it not hurt anymore) but the Emotional and Mental pain never fully disappears.

Love you all and I'm happy to say I am now happy in a healthy good relationship with a Husband who got me a ring and he's super supportive and kind. I'm expecting our first little Daughter :)

I couldn't be happier with him and where my life is at right now. He's never acted like he's going to hurt me and we've been together sense 2012. Next month is 3 years dating.... This October is our second year Wedding anniversary :)

It does get better

Raven.